Q: When is the time to teach your children? 

A: When they are ready 

When is the right age to tell your children that Santa Claus is not real? That you are the one who buys the presents and hides them under the tree? I had no idea when to teach my children that Santa wasn’t real. I just watched them to see if they had quizzical or suspicious looks during Christmas when we mentioned Santa. Because I was an observer, I knew when it was not the right time, and I waited patiently for the right time to come. 

That time came 3 years ago in January, when my oldest daughter was 9 years old. She came to me one morning when we were getting ready for school and said, “Is Santa Claus real?” I looked at her and saw she was serious. I didn’t want to rush the answer, so I figured if she was late for school, what would they really do? What does a tardy really mean to a fourth grader in the grand scheme of life? I ran downstairs, grabbed a picture off the wall, and closed my bedroom door so the younger children wouldn’t hear. I showed her the picture and had the following questions and answers with her: 

Question I asked                                                                                         Answer she gave 

How does Santa Claus hold you when you tell him what you want?        On his lap 

What colors does Santa wear?                                                                     Red and white 

Does Santa smile when he sees children?                                                   Yes 

Does Santa love to give children what they ask him for?                            Yes 

Does Santa ‘see you when you’re sleeping’ and knows when you’re awake? Does he know if you’ve been bad or good?                                                                                         Yes 

Who are we really talking about?                                                                 Jesus 

 She and I talked for about 10 minutes and she was excited when we were done. This conversation was a full meal for her, meaning she was hungry for answers and she received them. I could have given her a small snack by saying, “No, he isn’t, but I’ll explain the rest after school.” This snack would have been unsatisfactory, because when you are hungry, you want to eat, not snack. If I had given her a ‘snack’ answer, she might have asked more questions to kids at school, and they would have told her that her parents were Santa. She probably would have been disappointed and not come back to me for more questions. 

When you give your children a full feast instead of a snack, you are telling your child you are available to answer questions, so they feel more comfortable coming to you later with more questions. This is a crucial part of parenting! You want your children to feel comfortable coming to you with questions, and trusting that you will give them full and honest answers, tailored to their emotional level. 

Because I waited to tell my daughter until she was ready, I didn’t spoil the magic of Christmas for her. When you teach a child too early, it can sometimes make them bitter about the experience. When the child is mature enough to hear the answer, they will be able to better regulate their emotions, rather than being too young to hear the answers to questions. 

 Word count: 545

R E S P E C T – Parents should require respect 

from their children 

Why should parents require respect from their children? Why not ask for it, and if it is not given, why make a big deal about it? The answer comes from William J. Doherty, Ph.D. who said, “Parents whose children treat them disrespectfully will eventually start to fear and resent their children.1” No parent wants to fear or resent their children; we want to love them. 

 Here are 10 tips to be respected by your children2: 

 1. Respect your child 

 2. Expect respect 

 3. Explain your new policy on respect to your children 

 4. Tune your ears to the sound of respect and disrespect 

 5. Nip disrespectful behavior in the bud 

 6. Use a special tone of voice in response to disrespect 

 7. Use time-outs for non-cooperation when the child will not stop the disrespectful behavior 

 8. Be firm but keep your cool 

 9. Combine zero tolerance with a long-term view. Challenge every disrespectful behavior-without exception 

 10. If the problem is chronic and these strategies don’t work, consider seeking family therapy 

 My oldest, who is 12 years old, has lately begun speaking with an insolent tone of voice to me and her dad. I have been talking to my husband, Joel, about my parenting class for school and what I’ve been learning. One evening after dinner she made a rude comment for her dad and then walked away. I nudged his elbow and looked at him with wide eyes. He sighed, and then called for her to come back. He told her in a firm voice, “You don’t speak to your dad that way. You’re off electronics for the rest of the night.” Later I told him that I was proud of him for expecting respect. 

 We have not been good at nipping disrespectful behavior in the bed, and we plan to start now. We do not want this behavior to keep getting worse, especially when she will be getting older and hormones will kick in which will make her attitude even worse. We want our younger children to see that we will not accept rude behavior so they will act respectfully. As Dr. Haim G. Ginott said, “Children need a clear definition of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior. It’s difficult for them not to act out their impulses and desires without parental help. When they know the clear limits of permissive behavior, they feel more secure.” 

 WORD COUNT: 447 

 1 Doherty, William J. (2013). Take Back Your Kids: How to Teach and Get Respect. Excellence & Ethics, Winter/Spring 2013, 1-4 

2 Ginott, Dr. Haim G. (2003). Between Parent and Child. Harmony Press. (192-203)

Why is a medal for everyone not a good idea? 

When everyone wins, nobody wins. 

The other day my four children were running in the front yard. “Ready?” my son, age 10, yelled. “Go!” They all ran as fast as they could to the swing and jumped on. The 12 and 10 year old ran the fastest and jumped right on the swing. The 7 year old ran a little slower and waited for the swing to come back and then jumped on. The 4 year old ran fast, but even so, was the last one on the swing. The 4 year old came to me pouting a moment later and said he had to wait to get on the swing and he was sad he wasn’t as fast. I explained to him that his legs are shorter than the other kids, but that he will keep growing taller and taller. 

We can’t expect that all kids will be on an equal playing field; this will be detrimental to them as they begin college and working, as they learn that sometimes, there are people who are smarter, stronger, and faster than you. If I had interrupted their play and said to them, ‘Run as fast as you can to the swing, but don’t get on until everyone is there’ would not have been as fun. It is exhilarating to run fast and feel the pleasure of being first. 

My son mentioned earlier was told by the physical education coach at his school that everyone in his class needed to run 4 laps around the playground. He said he was one of the first kids done, and when he sat down, the coach told him to keep running laps until everyone had finished their 4 laps. My son felt frustrated. He told me later that he likes running fast, he likes passing kids, and he loves the burst of speed he gets at the end when he is almost to the finish line. After finishing his 5th lap, he started walking, slower and slower, dragging his feet. He said he felt like he was being punished because he couldn’t stop until everyone was done with their laps. At the end, almost the whole class was glaring at two kids who were holding up the entire class as they slowly strolled the playground, making everyone else do extra laps. 

This is the problem of making everyone a winner, no one really wins. The winner should be the best, the first. They should not be on an equal level as the slowest, or the nonathletic. If the coach had perhaps instead said something along the lines of ‘Once you finish your 4 laps you may play on the swings, slide, and monkey bars’ then the kids who try hard are rewarded. The kids who don’t put any effort into the activity, are not. Perhaps it would inspire the slow kids to jog instead of walk. Maybe they would learn that doing something quickly they don’t like, goes by faster than doing it slowly.

 Author Joanna Popcock1 said, “Studies show that feedback is a necessary component in the building of a child’s sense of self-worth. But, interestingly, students do not seem to need praise in order to thrive.” If the coach had said the children who finished their 4 laps, “You ran your 4 laps at ___ time. See if next week you can shave some time off.” That would have been feedback. Instead, he tried to praise all the children by having them finish their laps at the same time, so they all began and ended together. This did not encourage or unify the children, but rather created discord among them. 

  1 Popcock, Joanna (2017). Are We Spoiling Our Kids with Too Much Praise? J Astor Daily. https://daily.jstor.org/are-we-spoiling-our-kids-with-too-much-praise/ 

WORD COUNT: 635